Don't stop believing.

Follow up letter: 2012’s gift

I have recently come to terms with the fact that we can never be together.

It’s a hard pill to swallow, but after days of thinking, I have finally accepted this fact. I previously thought there were only two ways to dispel anger: Let it all out on that person, or let it all out on other things. I’ve realized there’s a third way—just letting it go. That’s the plan, let things go, and let the pieces of life fall where they may. 

You might notice a sudden coldness in the way I will treat you—don’t worry, that’ll be over in a matter of days or weeks, one month tops. I’ll eventually move on. It’s going to be hard for me, that’s for sure, because as I said, it felt completely different, things with you. I need those days or weeks to wipe the excitement that comes whenever you buzz, call, or text, or ask to meet up. I need those days so that it can finally sink in, the fact that it’s a dead-end pursuit. Because for as long as that door is the slightest bit open, I have this hope that it’ll all be a happy ever after. And we all know where that’s headed. we’ll always be great friends though, as promised.

I wish you and him the very best. Starks, signing off.

*to ultravioletseven*

*

A letter to 2012’s gift

Let me begin by saying that 2011 has been a very turbulent year, and that I really needed this year as a clean slate; a new start

So far, there have been wonderful things and colossally disappointing things that have happened this year, but the best thing that has ever happened to me was you.

No, I did not mean that as any form of cliché. 

See, I was a fresh transfer from the Economic program, and for all intents and purposes, transferring to Literature was a 180-degree turn. Of course I barely knew anyone. 

You helped me acclimate to the new world I was in. You gave me handouts, pointers and simple advice. You may not notice it as such, but yeah, it was advice for me. Figuratively, I thought of it as you holding my hand and showing me the steps. Some I chose to follow, some I did not, but you held my hand still. I kept wondering why you did me these troublesome favors but then I realized, it’s just how you are. Of course I also wanted to be of help to you. (I’m currently working on concretely and consistently doing that…) We became friends. And yes, I loved how we became friends in reality before we became friends on Facebook. 

I asked for your number on one completely random occasion, and then you slowly became an essential part of my life. Phone calls, Y!M, Facebook, Twitter, SMS, Landline calls, and most importantly, in the flesh, I found myself wanting to talk to you more every single day. I know that I do know a lot of things now, but I want to know more.  I wanted to get to know you better. I wanted to know you in a way only I did.

And then I woke up one day and I felt so vulnerable. I asked for help from my other friends why I feel this vulnerable. I was no stranger to relationships and romance, but man I felt so vulnerable this time. I had this experience of giving too much to one person and I remedied this by never getting too attached with anyone, so that I don’t feel much when they disappear.

But I was convinced by more than a few people that you were different. That you were something else. And most of all, that I should I could finally give all of me again. And even though things unfolded in a way I would have never imagined in a million years (you know what I mean…), I still believe that my friends weren’t wrong in saying what they said; you were someone I can give my everything to again. 

I can only laugh when you tell people that you’re not beautiful, not that great, not that wonderful, and worst of all, not worth it, because you are, in every way possible. To put it simply, you don’t see what I see. I’m completely aware of the fact that no one is and will ever be perfect. But let’s say that in some other parallel world, you are, and you don’t have the issues you talk about. I don’t care. I want this. You didn’t ask me to change myself so that we can be friends, and I would certainly be out of line if I ask that from you. You wouldn’t have to change a thing; I accept it all. Because I’m completely aware of what and who I fell in love with. Actually, I’ve never been more sure ever. I don’t care if you’re 5’1”, and I don’t care if you think your voice is squeaky. It doesn’t change the way I feel about you.

The truth is, you’ve become the stabilizing force in my life. A shining beacon of hope. For starters, you, just being there, give me a reason to stay in this University. To stay in this country. To feel like things are looking up once again. You make me feel that as long as you’re in my life, everything is gonna be okay. You are important to me in ways others would never be. And yes, I need you like the Earth needs the Sun. 

But I promise to always be there when you need me, not just be there when I need you. I won’t be missing in action. I won’t disappear. I promise to speak when words are needed, and to share the silence when they’re not. I promise to never forget that you have been the biggest blessing I have received this year, and becoming important and “irreplaceable” to you has become the biggest privilege 2012 has given me.

Hey, I may not be able to give back your dream of graduating with a Literature degree. I might not be the guy who wants it as much as you do. But I can promise you one thing: I will always be here for you, in whatever capacity. I would do my best to become the beacon of hope that you’ve been to me. I know it might be a pipe dream that you’ll ever love me the way I do you, and that staying friends with you would keep me holding on to the very little odds of that pipe dream coming true. But it’s worth the risk. I’d gladly take the fall. 

I love you. I love you. I love you. Don’t count on that to change. I’m not.

*to ultravioletseven*

You can only connect the dots looking back.

After a month, I look back at what has happened. Why did I like you? Well, because, you were gorgeous, I would not lie, and you were adorable and friendly and sweet. But I realized I forgot my golden rule when it comes to these kinds of things: If she’s easy, she’s not worth it. As a person I really believed in this axiom. 

Looking back, would I say I regretted the feelings, time and money I spent on you? Definitely not. I treat it now as Tuition Fee for a very valuable lesson I have seemed to forget. You seem to be very in touch with the player in you, and when my best friends told me they saw you being all sweet with a different dude, I felt sorry…not for you, but for him. 

Did I regret acting blind and stubborn with all the people warning me? HELL YEAH. But well, I’ve learned my lesson now. Taking it from Steve Jobs, I can only connect the dots looking back. And well, with your sweet SMS’s that you send to each of us, changing only the name, your paranoia with your slyness, and using men’s hearts in general, I can only conclude that you hide everything so well under your mask of innocence. 

Problem is, I found out. We found out. I may now just be a name in the list of boys you’ve successfully played, and you’re now toying with a new guy, and man, everyone must want you. Just remember though, cheap items really have many buyers.